this space was a bit vacant during the month of January. and it's not because I haven't tried writing or didn't have time or forgot- I've clicked the "new post" button so many times and have started writing only to hold down the "delete" button until the page is empty and the little curser is blinking. and I guess the reason why it's so hard to write is because I'm simply not ready. my heart feels like my blogger dashboard- with 4 published posts and 11 drafts. I don't know if it's fear or if it's just hesitation, but God's been going deep and a lot of things are still in the "drafts" stage.
but I will write about one thing I know is true, my Jesus. in January, I have seen Him more clearly and grown to trust him more deeply and yet my heart cry is "oh, for grace to trust Him more." January started out wrestling; it was struggling. I was a Jacob wresting in the night and saying "I will not let you go." and the one line that kept running through my head is "we are free to struggle, but we aren't struggling to be free." that was it. I wasn't struggling to be free, but I was free to struggle until I found my way back to the feet of Jesus.
at the beginning of the month, I read an extremely powerful blog post and one thing that has been continually running around in my head since that is "the struggle is real, but the victory is won." the struggle isn't fun, but it's real and but we must remember the victory has already been won and come back to throne of Grace. just a disclaimer here: I don't like the unknown. I like my schedules and knowing plans ahead of time. I'm not really a huge fan of change. but I stepped out in an unknown four months ago, and I've been wrestling to find peace and contentment in this season. it's strange how it works, but life has a way of keeping you busy, even when it's suppose to be a quieter season. real talk here- my days were being filled, but it felt like I wasn't doing anything. and I hated that. things that I had thought about pursuing hadn't been falling into place and everything had pros and cons and in praying about where and what the Lord had in mind- I didn't find peace about any direction. but, then I let go. it took a few days and after pages in my journal had been filled and tears had been spilled and my hands had been opened, I was back at the cross. laying down my plans in surrender and back in the position of trusting. I hadn't really realized it before, but it is so easy to slip out of that position of trust and surrender if it isn't a daily reckoning and daily taking up your cross.
and, my heart was at peace. I know my Jesus and I know who He has declared Himself to be. I know that He is faithful and His goodness endures forever. He only does wondrous things and every good thing is from Him.
"and I will trust, here in the mystery. I will trust in you completely." (x)
and I will literally write it over and over and over- He is faithful. He is faithful. He is faithful. He is faithful. He is faithful. He is faithful. He is faithful. He is faithful. He is faithful.
He is faithful.
xoxo. -marcia
